A Should-be College Student Speaks

Posted: September 14, 2010
    I’m turning 17 every f-ing day that passes and it reminds me *grudgingly* of where in this world I should be.Well,at least scholastically. I should be a College Freshman this coming school year. Pero. Pero. I’m not. For this coming school year 2010 - 2011, I’m an incoming junior high school student. A big why? To put it in a simple manner, I got sick. Sick of everything.
  FYI, I live in Perfect Girl St. High Expectations Village, Nowhere Near Reality City. You get the point? I’m constantly driven by expectations. Those f****ing expectations that are high enough to surpass the highest skyscraper in the world. I do not aspire to be Darna. I want to be normal.

“Minsan kailangan mo ng lakas para aminin na mahina ka.”-Bob Ong 

   Naging malakas ako matapos nag ilang buwan ng pag-aantay na lumipas ang mundo sa harapan ko. Inamin ko sa sarili ko na hindi ko na kaya nung mga panahon na ‘yon. Hindi na school ang tingin ko sa school na pinapasukan ko. Factory. Factory na ang laman ay puro robot. Mga walang kapaguran. Walang tigil. May mga katulad ko din na tumigil saglit at nagpahinga. Narealize ko kasi na:

Mas okay na ma-late ako ng pag-graduate kaysa naman sa I graduated on time nga, after naman ng graduation eh dalhin na ako sa facility for mentally impaired.

   Here’s an excerpt of my previous blog. This entry was written during those times:

“Years I’ve been on top.They always expect the best from me,just beacuse I’m a consistent honor.I always think that they’re getting unfair and overly manipulative.Sometmes,I just cry to vent out my kept anger for them.They always push me to do things I didn’t really want.To dress the way they want me to,act the way honor students should act,always think the way responsible honor student should.They don’t care about the “real” me.They don’t even bother to ask if I’m stil alright.This year I’ve made the decision of my life.I’ll drop out of school.Everyone’s shocked.My teachers.My classmates.And everyone who knows what happened.And that doesn’t include my dad.Yep,you read it right.My dad didn’t know that I dropped out of school.Why?Because I know he’ll be furious and mad at me.I’m not throwing my life away.I’m just getting my well-deserved rest.I need my peace.I need my space.I need my time.I’ll come back,next year.Maybe that’ll make them realize that I’m a human.That I need rest and breaks in between works.I’m wishing that next year,someone would support me so I won’t need to give up..again.”

    I had so much to dreams to fulfill. I want to become everything that I want to be. Before, I am dead-sure that I want to be a lawyer. But as time passes, I discovered my passion for drawing. (Though, I’m not that good at it.)I want to be an engineer. I want to be a writer. A photographer. An alchemist. (Okay let’s erase this one. I’d been reading Michael Scott’s books so much that being an alchemist had crossed my mind.)Okay, alchemist..erase. I want to build my own house. (Someone special joked about this one time. I told that I want my dream house to have glass panels and plenty of windows. He told me that when a calamity strikes, my dream house could be my death chamber.)

“Not all my smiles are real. Sometimes when you ask if I’m alright, I want someone to say,”Tell me the truth.”